A Balanced Love

This piece was originally written for and published on Bonobology.com

It was going to be a first for all of us, I realized; as I packed nervously for a week away at a writers' retreat. For my husband, to take care of our son all alone; and plan his day in terms of mealtimes, playtimes and nap times. For my son, to not have me at his beck and call all the time. And me? Oh! Mine was a rather long list of firsts, I reckoned; with a heart far more unsteady than my hands at the moment.

But right underneath my edginess was a slight annoyance; growing steadily and consuming all my excitement, for the first solo trip I was taking, in the last four years. The way the whole plan fell into place quite conveniently, made my motherhood feel a little slighted, I guess. I was expecting a massive resistance. Maybe even a little groveling, thrown in for good measure. I was expecting to be told by my husband that his whole world would come crashing down if I went away even for a day. But instead, a man, who cannot even find his socks without me, was promising to hold the fort for a full week! In fact, he was the one who insisted that I go to this retreat, which I had won in a writing competition.

Why didn’t I feel like a winner then? Why did it dent my self-esteem to know that I was not as indispensable as I had led myself to believe?

The hands started to tremble a little more and I almost dropped my expensive watch face first. I needed a break from the packing and this line of thought. And, a glass of ice cold water. As I stood in the kitchen, gulping down unusually big sips, composure returned. Thankfully, it brought along a friend – new perspective.

Someone had once told me, that only when we remove ourselves from an equation - husband/wife, mother/son, employee-/employer - do we come to realize how redundant we actually are. Because the equation still finds a way to balance itself out. Life adapts. Finds a way to work with what it has. Always. And that THAT is a ‘good’ thing.

Being redundant really isn’t as negative a sentiment as we consider it to be. Once past the initial shock and horror attached to that word; we realize how blithely liberating that feeling can be. To be indispensable is, in a way, to be shackled. Being redundant sets us free. It helps us come to the golden realization – that we are not a part of an equation because we need to, or because you are duty bound. But because we choose to.

So the real question here was, was being a part of this equation important to me because that was the only place I thought I belonged to anymore? Had I forgotten my standalone value? And was afraid to find out what it would be now pegged at, in the outside world, which I was about to step into after a long gap.

Perhaps, those were the questions my husband wanted me to face, by going away for a little while. That decision came from a place of love. Not because he didn’t appreciate my presence and my contribution. Because he wanted me to enjoy my spoils as a winner; without worrying whether I was committing a crime, in the process, by leaving behind my three-year-old son.

That is why when I finally stepped on the train to leave; my motherhood and my individualism felt well-adjusted. I knew that I would miss my son and my husband terribly. But I also was confident that we as a family will get past this one week, and emerge as a stronger, well-balanced equation.

A lovely equation – fine and functional - made out of a conscious choice rather than an obligation - and of a far higher collective value.